tapmyshoulder

Now before you start stressing about what to wear to this special event, please just finish reading this post.  🙂

As Father’s Day approaches, I find myself starting to really dread this day, for obvious reasons.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad and, as most of you who know me will understand, I kinda went off on a rabbit trail of thoughts! 

I started thinking of how I could have been a better daughter to my dad (I’ve been pretty much a perfect daughter to my mom, so I have no regrets there!)  🙂  I wish I had spent more time with him, wish I had asked him more questions about the Horne and Foster sides of the family, wish I had written down some of the events in his life, etc, etc.

I’m sure I’m the only one who lives with regrets in their life.  So I’ll totally understand if you just want to stop reading this blog as it doesn’t pertain to you. 

There are so many regrets in my life:  I regret that I wasn’t more patient with my kids when they were little; I regret that I was  looking ahead instead of enjoying the age that they were at (“It will be nice when they are potty trained”, “I can’t wait until they are able to dress themselves”, etc); I regret that I wasn’t more active in getting back to my pre-baby weight!  (Can’t really call it “baby weight” when my baby is 18!!)  😦    I regret that I may have hurt someone’s feelings with my teasing.  I regret that I wasn’t more compassionate to people who were grieving or going through a tough time.  (Why does it take a crisis in my own life to wake me up to the suffering around me?)

During my time of remembering my shortcomings and regrets, the Holy Spirit decided to tap me on my shoulder!  He reminds me of who I am….a mere imperfect human being saved by Grace.  Why do we expect to be perfect?  Another New Flash:  We’re only human.  I think I can learn from these times of reflection.  But God doesn’t want me to beat myself up over my “failures”, He wants me to repent, learn from them and become more like Him. 

So, you’re all invited to a burial:  the burial of my regrets!  I’m putting them to rest, they’ve kept me company for years but I think it’s time to bury them!  I’ve picked the scripture that will be read at this burial:  Phil 3:13 & 14   ^“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

I’m done looking back and I’m ready to press on toward the goal. 

Oh, and with any good Baptist Funeral, there will be a time of refreshments after the burial!!  Anyone willing to organize this for me?!

I’ll just give you all a minute to sit down and catch your breath after reading this breaking news!!  I’m sure you’re all caught off guard by this.  I’m sorry to be the one to break this upsetting news but you need to know!  You might be wondering how I came to this conclusion…or maybe you’re thinking “Wow! She’s really slow!!”

This morning, Naomi and Rodney’s oldest called me and told me that she had just passed her test to receive her license!  I can’t believe that this precious young lady is old enough to be driving all by herself.  Lord, have mercy!!  It just seems like yesterday that I was hearing the good news about her birth!  Naomi called me from the hospital to tell me all about Miss Farrar and what a beauty she was…and she’s still a beauty.

After I hung up with the newly licensed driver, I started to cry!  Naomi should be here to celebrate with her oldest!  Miss Farrar should be jumping up and down with her mom, squealing about her accomplishment!  And then, the breaking news hit!!  LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!  Life is painful!!  Life is harsh!!  Life is difficult!!  So then, the “Pity Party” hats came out and I threw a great big old Pity Party!  Oh, and when I throw a pity party, Martha Stewart would be in awe of it!!  I don’t hold back!  🙂

I managed to drag Kaitlyn into my Pity Party (it’s sad to say that she just doesn’t have the stamina that I do at these parties!)  😦   She quickly went onto other subjects!  So I attended my party all by myself!  

It’s not fair that my husband is going to lose his eyesight!  He loves to take pictures and in years to come, he won’t be able to see them!

It’s not fair that my brother-in-law is raising 5 kids without their mother.

It’s not fair that my mother is mourning the loss of a child.

It’s not fair that the communities of Dixfield and Jay are mourning two tragic deaths.

It’s not fair that there is no cure for Cancer yet! 

And you know what else isn’t fair!?!  That one day, because of nothing that I have done, I will be standing in Heaven, declared forgiven and welcomed into an eternity with my Heavenly Father!!  Yeah, that’s not fair but it’s called Mercy and Grace! 

My pity party came to a screeching halt when that thought came into this little pea brain!  (I hate when I’m on a roll and the Holy Spirit kinda whispers into my ear….”Ummm, excuse me…I’ve got something you might want to hear.” )  Why am I surprised when I experience heartache, sorrow, etc?  I’ve been told in the Bible that I WILL have trouble; not “maybe” or “perhaps” but I WILL have trouble.  But I know that ONE who has overcome the world!  🙂

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Gotta run; this confetti from my pity party won’t vacuum itself up! 

I think I may be having an identity crisis!  Sometimes I’m not sure who I am.  At first I was “Brenda and Foster’s daughter”, and then I was “Ralph and Naomi’s sister”.  Once I became “Mrs. Mark Hathaway”, I was “Mark’s wife”.  It didn’t take long to move onto “Kenny/Sarah/Kaitlyn’s mother”.  About a year and a half ago, I added 2 new identities:  “Kelly’s mother-in-law” and “Sean and Eric’s Peemaw”!  🙂  There are many other titles that I’ve been given but I’ll leave those alone.  🙂

Do you ever feel as though people have forgotten just who you are?  Recently, while I was home in Peru (Maine), a man asked me “Aren’t you Naomi’s sister?”  Yes, I am Naomi’s sister.  Being Naomi’s sister wasn’t always easy.  Although Naomi was 4 years younger than me, she was the one I looked up to.  I would only sleep at my Grammy Brown’s house if Naomi went with me!  I didn’t like going to our “den” out behind our house unless Naomi was there to banish all the creepy things out in the woods!!  Naomi and I were alike in some ways but very different in other ways: Naomi was a member of the National Honor Society; I was involved in FHA (Future Homemakers of America.  Yeah, I was cool even back in High School).  Naomi worked hard for her English Degree, I received my “MRS.” degree!  🙂  Naomi was very organized, I had to look around to find my laptop to write this post!  🙂  Naomi could play the piano, me…I play the cd player!  Naomi canned her own food, I can use a can opener like no one else!! 

Now, please don’t think I’m bitter.  Naomi was my best friend growing up and even into our adult life (aside from Mark, of course).  I feel blessed that I am Naomi’s sister.  She was (and still is) such a blessing to me and to so many other people.  And “Naomi’s sister” can’t wait to see her again.

All this rambling to say:  sometimes I can easily feel as though I have no identity of my own.  I love all of my titles listed above but I think, this past year, the title that has meant the most to me is this one: “Daughter of the King”!  I have a heavenly father that has allowed me to climb up onto His lap when my world has come crashing down.  He has put His arms around me when I cried to Him “I don’t understand what you are doing!!!  How is this the plan you have for 5 children?!?  What good can possibly come out of this tragedy?!”  My Father is patient and loving! 

Because of what Christ did on that cross 2,000+ years ago, I am told “At one time we (Terry!) too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures… But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,  so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:3-8)  I am an heir with Christ!!  How cool is that!? 

Gotta go…Mark’s wife has to iron something for him to wear to work!   🙂

You may be wondering how on earth did I pick “tapmyshoulder” for my blog name.  🙂 

For the past couple of years, our family has gone through some big changes.  During these times, I often feel God tapping me on the shoulder trying to get my attention.  Sometimes He’s had to revert to using a spiritual 2×4 to get my attention!  If I am obedient and quiet, I can hear what He has to say to me after He’s tapped me on my shoulder.  But often, like when my friend John taps me on my shoulder, I look the opposite way.  How much do I miss by turning the opposite direction when God has something to show me or teach me?  Does God get frustrated that I’m not paying attention?  Is He disappointed that I’ve missed out on a lesson?  I’m grateful that he understands my lack of focus and He still loves me.  He’s such a patient God!  He has so many good things for me!  He never leaves me!  He never walks away in frustration because I’m focused on something pretty or shiny and not focused on the lesson at hand!  🙂  He understands that I’m a work in progress and that one day, when I arrive Home, I’ll be perfect! 

Lord, help me to pay attention to your tap on my shoulder, help me to be focused on you and not the things that soooo easily distract me!  Thank you for being the patient God that you are.  Thank you that you do make beauty out of the ashes.  Thank you that when I feel life is totally out of control, you are totally in control!  Thank you that you have so much to teach me and you’re willing to wait for me to learn these lessons!!

I find this new venture in blogging both exciting and scary!  🙂   I can’t imagine why anyone, even my family, would be interested in reading the random thoughts of a 29+ year old female.  Hopefully you will enjoy what you read and more importantly, I hope you learn more about what my Father is doing in my life.  Thanks again for joining me in this new adventure of mine!

Thank you for checking out my new blog!  🙂